Shadow of Flowers Vases on Wall of Shower Cabin photo courtesy of Jill Burrow
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Who else has been in the shower and discovered they weren’t alone after all?
I tried to stare that spider down at first, but he’s got like probably eight eyes and well I’ve only got two. Still, we were both frozen in time for a few seconds just staring at each other when my cell phone went silent. Really YouTube? I was already in the midst of a showdown and wasn’t particularly in the mood to deal with another annoyance.
Because I was 99% sure that grating message had popped up on my phone, “Video paused. Continue watching?” F-ing YES!! I wanted to keep listening to my music. If I wanted my songs to stop, then I’d click pause or close the damn tab myself. Yes, dripping wet and all. If I craved silence that bad, then I’d go that far to turn it off.
But that’s just me (and, yes, I know I can upgrade my YouTube – I just choose not to because I’m a glutton for punishment).
And as the water slapped the tub floor as if it were just as annoyed as I was, I told myself, “Damn girl. Calm down,” because I knew what I was really irritated about, and he was still there. Just watching me with all them beady little eyes.
I suppose this was a good thing though because if I’d found out that spider had moved, I’d be wondering where the heck he went. Obviously, I didn’t exactly want him dropping down in front of me but even then that wouldn’t be enough to make me get out of the shower ‘cause after all, he was in my house.
And I see you.
Rainforest Surrounded by Fog photo courtesy of David Riaño Cortés
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Then, the movie, Predator, with Arnold Schwarzenegger popped into my head because there was this part in the film where Mac pointed towards the Predator for Dillon to find and whispered, “I see you.”
Mac, hunting the hunter through all the green of a South American jungle. Sweat dripping from his face from the intense heat. His heart pounding not just from the chase but from being on the verge of the revenge he needed for his buddy, Blain. So close to fulfilling his obsession as he and Dillon came up with a plan to make the Predator bleed and then closed in on it for the kill…
Yeah, that’s right. My steam-filled shower had turned into that jungle.
Okay, so in my defense, I find showers very dull. That’s why I play music, so I’m not bored out of my mind in tackling this unfortunate necessity. Hence, another part of my previous annoyance when the music stopped. But, at this point, I wasn’t as disinterested in the chore like I usually would be. In fact, if I looked at this spider dilemma right, it could be a golden opportunity.
So, naturally, I started having a conversation with it in my head.
Probably, there are many of you out there thinking, wtf? Lol, and I can imagine those faces looking a lot like Blain’s confusion at one point in Predator when his commander, Dutch, deviated from the original plan of attack and lifted/pushed the idling car into the enemy’s camp for a very nice distraction – yes, I love that movie. Or maybe some of you are just shaking your heads, at best laughing, at my rock bottom definition of what qualifies as a “golden opportunity.”
Either way, my defense was mostly the same as I was now fairly entertained at finding something different within the mundane. Besides, I wasn’t done shaving my legs yet. Ugh, don’t even get me started on hair removal – how did that even become a thing anyways?
At any rate, I’d decided this “chat” would give me more practice in looking at another perspective for my writing. Yeah, that sounded like a way better excuse than just being bored. Anyways, the so-called conversation went something like this…
Mr. Beady Eyes
Image by Mimike M. Mountainwater
“Skid Mark, you need to close all them eyes or leave.”
“Not happening, Wench. I’m too relieved you can’t squash me right now. Plus, I gotta make sure you don’t come up with something resourceful to kill me with when I least expect it.”
Hunh, how smart of him to justify that sh-. And then it hit me. Did he just call me a wench? Hmm, I guess that was all right. If I can dish it out, I should be able to take it, too.
“Look, Beady Eyes, you’re just making things worse for you by upping the name calling. I’m gonna have to kill you now.” Probably that was a little harsh for my inability to take his retorts in stride after all.
“Oh yeah? I’m way up here and you’re down there. Good luck with that.”
At which point, I swore he was hiding his smug laughter. “Confident little sh- aren’t you?”
“I’m older and bigger than your average house spider. I’ve seen all kinds of things and been through more than your little princess mind can imagine. Yeah, I’m feelin’ good.”
Princess? That was the worst thing he’d called me yet.
Nevertheless, I was amused and hid my smile at discovering Brownie thought my life was easy. Wrong assumption. Perfect. My first reaction was to build on that to lure him closer, so I could water board his conceited a** down the drain, but I was feeling a little… curious.
“Okay. Fine. I’ll bite. Tell me about something you’ve seen, Silk Maker.”
He was as still as ever though, and it was like that moment when I first noticed him as we stared at each other. What was he thinking? Why didn’t he answer? Was he playing possum now? Man, just my luck to have a conversation with a confused spider.
“Why didn’t you insult me again? You humans don’t normally care to know anything about my kind. Usually, your first instincts are just to kill us.”
I found myself thinking about that…
The Thinker Statue in Rodin Museum France photo courtesy of Charl Durand
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I had to admit – he was right. There were nowhere near half as many arachnologists out there as haters. But, to be fair, probably it was more out of fear than hate that we take their lives.
In my case, I’d only threatened to kill him because on top of being uninvited, he had an attitude problem but… I could still grudgingly see where he was coming from. How would I feel if every chinchilla I ran into tried to kill me? Pretty sure I wouldn’t think they were so adorable anymore, and I found myself saying, “I don’t always kill you guys.”
I could practically hear his scoff. Surprisingly, his reaction didn’t upset me. Instead, I took it as a challenge to change his mind.
“No, really. I had this house once, and I liked it except for the lines of ants that came into the kitchen every spring and summer. I hated seeing them. Even though I knew they were just trying to get ready for winter, I didn’t like they were doing it in my house. I killed so many of them and cleaned that floor so many times a day, but they always came back in the same outrageous numbers no matter what I did. And I’d slip on that squeaky clean floor if I wore socks on it. Not exactly very safe.”
“So what’d you do?”
Sweet. No insult that time. Progress.
“I thought about using an insecticide, but I didn’t want to make the wild birds sick or maybe even kill’em ‘cause they were eating infected bugs. Besides, I didn’t really want the bugs to die a horrible death like that anyways.” I glanced at him and got the strong feeling he didn’t believe me. If he had eyebrows, I’m sure he would’ve raised one.
“Dude, don’t give me that cynical look. Okay, fine. Honestly, it was more for the birds. All right? I adored my lovebird when I was a kid, and I didn’t want to be responsible for his relatives dying. So no insecticide.”
“First off, I wasn’t looking at you funny. Second, just spit it out woman. Ack, you humans talk way too much sometimes. Just tell me what you did already.”
I scowled at first, but he only stared back at me. Honestly though? There were times when that was true… and then it made me more curious than ever to know what he’d seen or been through to have determined that. I wasn’t about to let him off the hook on that one, but I’d have to come back to it.
Metal Chess Pieces on Board in Room photo courtesy of Alex Green
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“It’d been sitting in the back of my mind for a little while, but I’d put it off because it wasn’t my first choice. At the same time, this was just getting to be too much work. I love all kinds of foods, but I was always in the kitchen for one reason or another, and I hated that. It was time for plan Z.”
I looked at him again with a small grin. Yeah, I couldn’t help but purposely drag that one out, and I was pretty sure he knew it since it seemed like his front little leg was impatiently tapping the wall.
“Whenever I found spiders in that house, I picked them up and moved every single one of’em into my kitchen.”
It was the most bizarre thing to see all his little eyes popping out in surprise until he said, “Bullsh-.”
I narrowed my almond-shaped eyes back at him. “Listen here, Oh Skeptical One, if I was really afraid of you guys, I would’ve stopped taking a shower the minute I saw you, grabbed a towel for me and the broom I never use for you, swiped you down to the floor and crushed you with it. Did I do that though? No. You are still alive.”
“Hold up. You have a broom you never use? Why even have it?”
“That’s not the point! The point is I needed your kind’s help, and I got it. Even though I’d killed you guys before, all of you spiders still helped me when I needed it. Those ants stopped coming into the house because they knew y’all were waiting for them. The spiders did their job, their bellies were full, the birds never got sick, and I was ecstatic. Problem solved.”
“I bet you killed them after they helped you.”
“Wow! Is that how little you think of humans? For your information, when we moved out of that house, those spiders were all still in there somewhere. If they died, it wasn’t because of me because I’m grateful when someone helps me. Even a spider.”
He was quiet for a minute. “Do you only let us live if you need us?”
“Not at all. I usually just put you guys back outside now because I’ve seen for myself how spiders can change bugs’ behaviors. Something I could never do on my own no matter how hard I tried. Whichever ones want to be my gatekeepers, great. They wanna leave, that’s fine, too.”
“What if I like being in your home more? In here, the only predator I have to worry about is you. But if you’re not going to kill me, would you let me stay?”
I turned the water off, grabbed my towel and finally picked up my phone. I brought up “Good Life” by One Republic. It felt fitting.
“Promise you won’t crawl on me when I’m sleeping, and we have a deal.”
“Not even to say goodnight?”
“Mf,” I said, but it was with a laugh. We’d come a long way in just a short amount of time as the name calling felt like a playful jab now.
“You know, you’re all right. For a dainty human that talks too much.”
The Great Silk Maker
Image by Mimike M. Mountainwater
I looked at him again. He was finally moving. Guess he wasn’t scared anymore. I was kinda glad about that as I opened the door and looked back into what was once more just a bathroom. Take that Where the Wild Things Are. (Can’t help but laugh every time I read that last part lol.)
“I guess you’re not so bad yourself. For an unusually impatient, arrogant arthropod.”
“You didn’t call me a bug. I think I’m going to like it here. Thanks for letting me stay.”
“What can I say? I like having pets… which, by the way, we’re getting some cats soon so just a heads up on that.”
But he was already gone. I had no idea where he ended up but that dude spread the word like wildfire ‘cause we got so many of his brethren in here now, I lost count of’em all.
But I’m okay with that.
And then “The Monster” by Eminem with Rihanna popped into my head ‘cause of the lyrics when Eminem said he was okay with being nuts for real. I was totally going to listen to that song next.
But now? What crosses my mind is how some of y’all might be thinking I’m a little crazy for letting all them spiders live with me but… I guess all I can say is, to each their own, right?
Still, I can’t deny what else I appreciate about spiders – their very welcome help with some of my Halloween decorations. Because, well, it is my favorite holiday and there’s nothing like authenticity for the best time of year.
And then I realized that little sh- never told me about some of the things he’d seen or been through. I looked for him again, but he was long gone. Probably already spreading the word.
My mind drifted to Charlotte’s Web as I got dressed, and I wondered if my spider had ever done anything super cool like Charlotte…
Trees Cocooned in Spider Webs, an Unexpected Side Effect of the Flooding in Sindh, Pakistan photo courtesy of Russell Watkins/Department for International Development
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Attribution License at Flickr under “Some rights reserved”
Sweetness.
Even though this spectacular cocooned feat that happened in Sindh, Pakistan due to flooding wasn’t Silk Maker, it was still really amazing for me to discover. For anyone wondering how I can think that, it’s because trees wrapped in silk is rare, and I tend to love unique things.
***
Now that my nonsense is done, I’d like to say thank you to Jill Burrow,
David Riaño Cortés , Charl Durand, Alex Green and Russell
Watkins/Department for International Development for sharing their
photographs. You guys have no idea how long I searched to find what I
really wanted. Thank you so much.
For anyone open to them, I have some questions for you guys now. Please remember any disrespectful remarks or links not relevant to the topic will be filtered out of the comments.
1.) Who has some spider stories they’d like to share? ‘Cause, you know, they can’t possibly be any more embarrassing than mine.
2.) What are some situations that have gotten your imaginations going?
3.) Is there something in your house that’s collecting dust like my broom? Why don’t you ever use it? Why’d you buy it?
4.) Anyone wanna share some of their ridiculous “deep thoughts?”
